Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Strangers All Around

G asked me out of the blue today if I met anyone on the internet who I thought was really strange or who I might have been afraid of.
I told her I was very careful to end dialogue with anyone who I received a bad vibe from. There were people who admitted immediately to being married, but needing to be with a woman, or there were those that just wanted sex. I guess everyone was pretty honest up front and I acted accordingly.

I think what I really was worried about at the time was how I was going to go about living a duel life. It was about this time at work that I was approached from above. I was asked to step up my leadership role and start leading morning devotions. This consisted of a twenty minute instructions on good Christian living. Everyone would be present, including Pastors and such. I tried to get around this, but they wouldn't have it. It was all about growing and serving each other to be better people. We were taught to rise above, we were called to do to this, and a no was against what God wanted. This kind of statement is enough to reduce me to tears. It specifically states in the bible that teachers are called to higher moral living then the rest. I completely understand that, but how I was going to continue on with my exploration and not feel completely twisted was what I was unsure of.
So, I went ahead with the mini lessons. I kept them funny and safe, and I did an awesome job with them. I still have the notes from people who would give me a written "job well done."
How shitty is that? Can I be any more of a hypocrite at this point. Is it a wonder how people on both sides could be upset with me.
I feel like erasing this, but the emotions I feel right now are very real.
The completely sad thing is I hadn't done anything at that point other than talk with people. What I would be feeling later on was much worse.


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