Thursday, June 23, 2005

Test Anxiety

This is the weekend of the big board exam. I don't know who is more nervous. G has been studying so hard this past month, I am not sure there is any way she can not pass. She is such an over achiever. When she was trying to qualify for the Boston Marathon it became her life. I never knew that the marathon itself wasn't the big deal, it was the race before when everyone qualifies. If she passes the test on Sunday she will become a certified medical dosimetrist. I know this probably means nothing to most people, but when you are certified in your field you have the respect of your colleagues.
Today I took the kids to the hospital so G could give them a tour. The baby cried because she thought she was going to see her doctor, but the boys were fascinated with all the machinery. I was a little worried because it was in the middle of the work day and there was going to be lots of patients who were receiving chemo. I didn't know if they were going to be frightened. They were very quiet, taking it all in. At lunch, in the cafeteria, the nine year old asked many questions about what G does. We had discussed the night before how to answer some things that might come up without talking to much about the disease. I always want there to be the innocence of childhood balanced with factual information.
The little one wanted to know if she sees a lot of blood, or, "does surgery." All in all, we had a great time.

So, G will study all day tomorrow and then head to Chicago early Saturday. She will stay overnight, take the test and then head back Sunday night. I am going home in the a.m. to visit my family. I was supposed to head out tonight, but I had to get my teeth cleaned and checked one last time before my insurance runs out. I still haven't heard anything from the insurance company I applied with. More worry, stress, and fear with that. Monday G is taking the day off and we are taking the boys to Six Flags for the day. I am not into rides that much, but the boys have been begging us to go and so I can't say no. G loves this kind of thing and so it will be fun watching them all have fun.

While writing my experiences about my exploration year, I realized I touched on some things that are still very raw. I have a problem with forgiveness. When I began to write about J, I realized that I still very much need her forgiveness. I should be the first to realize that you do not need another person to forgive you before you can let go. The problem is that when I get too deep in thought about it all, I find myself wondering. That can't be good. Email is so easy, it's not the phone, it's not face to face, and it just takes one simple touch of the return key.
There would be nothing to gain from such an action, just more heartache.
So I guess I have to be careful. You can not change the past, but you can accept it and move on.


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