Thursday, June 16, 2005

The Beginning

Four years ago, I decided to explore the part of me that felt that I might be gay. As hard of a concept as that might have been to grasp, I knew that life wasn't getting any easier for me in denying the things I was feeling. I wasn't sure how to go about meeting people who I could talk to about this. I was afraid, but much more than that, I was severely depressed and lonely. Do to the nature of my work, I needed to be very careful on how I went about my discoveries. I decided to go online and look at personals. I studied them for weeks before writing a personal ad. I was completely frightened at the prospect of talking about myself, yet excited about meeting someone who might be like me. I wasn't looking to hook up with anyone, I just wanted to talk to someone. This change to figure out what was going on took place after my father died. I never felt more alone than when I was standing by his casket saying goodbye all by myself, as family members were being held by loved ones. I probably knew I was gay since grade school. I really am not ready to talk about that part of my life, besides, I was just a little kid, what did I know about what I was feeling. My family is very Christian. I grew up going to church and Sunday School and still follow all the traditions of my family. They are conservative and do not have an understanding of gay people other than there is something wrong with them. I followed my Christian roots and right out of college started my career with a religious organization. This left me in a terrible position. I worried about my decision to explore the lifestyle, but the complete loneliness I was feeling was not going away no matter how much I prayed, or took it to God. My final decision is one that I am glad I made. I look back at my two year journey and am thankful for the chance I took. I discovered things about me that I never knew. I cried, laughed, feared, lost, and learned. I now have a wonderful partner who has completed the half of me that was missing


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