Friday, June 10, 2005

It's been terribly stressful. I don't like a whole lot of drama, but that is what has been happening. I have this terrible headache so I can't really focus to write about everything, but in a nutshell.....

Yesterday, I gave a speech to the faculty about not pushing to keep my job, because in fact, I am much more liberal then I have let on to be, and it is hard for me to be in the environment of that work place.

People were quite shocked by my speech, but I only had one chance left and I just did it. It is as close to the truth as I was able to be and so I must find peace in my decision. I thought a lot about a friend/possible relationship I lost because I wouldn't quit the job in the past and I hate that person today. Absolutely hate that person and I know that is a strong word. Hate works both ways and I feel like I have been victimized by both sides. I know that is harsh, but I really feel a lack of control in the way my life has to change. I was very proud of being a part of that place, but I took the out, I took it and I am not really sure where I am at this point on accepting it.

After the meeting I went to the store to get some things and my heart started racing in the parking lot. I had a half hour to get to my gyn appointment and I tried really hard to get it to stop. I couldn't, but then I remembered the urgent care in the same building so I drove to where my appointment was. I wasn't sure I could make it in the door and I really needed to lie down, so I went to lay in a field outside the building. I just literally spread out on my stomach to try to make it stop.
It wouldn't, so I decided I had to go in because it was over a half an hour and I was panicking. I made it inside to a chair and it just stopped racing.

I walked down to the office and when the gyn assistant came in she said I looked tired and sad. I had the exam (which I hate) and she said she felt a fibroid. What the fuck is that, was about all I could think at the moment. I told her my predicament with the health insurance and she said not to worry everything would work out. Ok, yeah whatever.

So I came home and paid big time for the salad I ate at lunch and the night before. I had such bad stomach pain, I thought I was going to die.

G and I are completely stressed out about different things right now and it is hard to comfort when you can barely manage to deal with yourself.
I got sympathy for awhile, but after about half hour in the bathroom G was about ready to shoot me like a sick horse. (I am giggling)

Midnight in the Bathroom
My head is on a pillow as I am sitting there and G is frustrated as hell.
"do you realize I had a patient today in which I had to stick a radioactive tube into her vagina. She is lying in the hospital so freaked out that she is on meds and the nurse for the night can't handle it. I am probably going to get paged and have to go back to the hospital to take it out. I have a test in three weeks and I am not going to pass because of all the cases I have."

Me "I couldn't handle it you know"

G thinking I was offering sympathy "handle what"

Me " having something stuck in my vagina for 24 hours"

G " I tell you about my day and that is all you have to say"

Me " I do care about your day, but I just thought I would let you know that I couldn't tolerate that procedure you do. Hey, your sounding like a doctor, why don't you help me out with my physical diagnosis. Go get your sexy lab coat on and tell me what I need."

G finally smiling " I think a weekend of sex would be beneficial.

giggling from both of us

Me " Oh really, if that is all it would take, we could start now."

G laughing "were you really laying out in a field?"

So we made up and went to bed.
We really need a good weekend. I pray for a good weekend because our relationship is is being tested by a lot of difficult things all at once.
We are going to a Thai restaurant and I will be the one listening tonight.


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