Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Three New Messages

The day after I wrote the personal ad I had three people who wrote to me.
I didn't expect anything quite so quick and after reading what they wrote I felt mixed emotions. On one hand, I was happy to see that it would be easy to meet some new people, but on the other hand, I was terrified about what that would mean. I am not a very social person to begin with and this meant I might have to hold a meaningful conversation. I know the one thing I wasn't feeling then and that was guilt. I was angry after my father's death because I had been so alone in dealing with life events, and it was way past the time of being concerned about God and heaven. I already seemed to be living in hell.
My year got off to a quick start.
Person number one I don't remember too much about. She wrote a lot about an arm surgery she had recently went through. She talked about cooking a lot and missing someone to eat meals with. This was probably a good start because it was dull, mindless chatter and it put my mind at ease. We emailed probably for about a month and then it just got so boring that it stopped.
The second person who wrote to me was Kate. She was definitely not boring. We talked about our degree being out. We were both on the same page as to experiences, and how much people knew about us.
This was exactly what I was looking for. Someone to share some of my experiences with.
At this point, I told her I was a librarian, but I did not bring up the religion in any way. I was afraid of what people might thing about that.
This was a foredrawn conclusion that would ring true in several degrees later on.
Kate thought my being a librarian was cute, after I she got past the stereotypical visual of the little, old, bun haired lady in a baggy skirt.
Yes, a lesbian librarian, how interesting. A Christian, lesbian, librarian, well, that would come up later and bring about hysterical laughs from many. Looking back, I guess I had a pretty tough shell to endure some of the ribbing I got from all of this. It was all in good humor for the most part, but it does make people give pause, for good reason.
Anyway, Kate and I started writing back and forth daily for a few weeks and then it picked up.
I will continue on with Kate later. I have to continue with her, because she is the one I was with when I was offered the gum in the car. hehe

The third person was J. I can't change her name because I just can't, and I can't keep it real because she would hate it. Other than G, and my friend Yo, J had the most effect on me over the course of the year. She wanted something specific from me and I never really understood that until it was too late. She is the person who caused me to fail. No, that is wrong, I caused myself to fail. J was with me on this journey from the first day until the day I got an email from G. (I promise G and J are the only intitials I will use.) Then she was gone. It was perfect timing on G's part, as, I don't know if I would have survived, emotions intact, without her coming into my life. I thank her all the time for that.
I think this is going to be difficult to write. Yep.


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