Sunday, June 26, 2005

More Messages

I was beginning to realize that having a personal ad meant lots of work.
Just writing out meaningful emails took huge amounts of time. I was very careful and not real sure what to say.

Kate and I emailed at least three times throughout the day. It was our way of getting to know each other, reaching out to another gay person. I found her story fascinating because it dealt with a friend who was married, but who was probably gay. When I wrote the ad, I told myself not to be judgmental about anyone because I in turn was tired of that kind of thing and I wanted to meet all kinds of people. When you meet all kinds of people, you are more likely to find a happy medium and build relationships with people who you have the most in common with, or who can broaden your horizons in positive ways.

A couple of months back, Kate had a good friend from high school that came to visit after many years. She was married, but decided to spend a long weekend catching up with an old friend.
After a long evening of talk, her friend leaned in and gave her a kiss. She was shocked by the action, yet pleasantly surprised because she was feeling yet again what she so long tried to suppress about herself when she was with an attractive female. Soon they moved into the bedroom and they spent the night together without ever sleeping.
The friend left the following day being content with the weekend fling. Kate however, couldn't let it go and wrote her friend a letter. The woman's husband found it and forbid the two from ever speaking again. She did call Kate once to apologize, but also pleaded with her never to contact her again.
Kate realized it was time to move on and try to meet someone who would be available to actually explore the idea of a relationship.

I guess that is were I come in to her story. She admitted answering a bunch of ads, but was extremely interested in meeting just me. I explained that I wasn't sure what I was all about at that moment, but that I would like to keep getting to know her.

I guess you can't help connecting with someone when you are making it a point to email throughout the day. Kate finally wrote that she would always look forward to my next email and hoped that I would write something before she got home for work each day. She was thinking that maybe we could talk on the phone. I wasn't ready for that, but assured her that I was thinking about getting to know her a little bit more and that we had all the time in the world.

I had received a couple more messages from my ad at this point. One was from a woman who asked me straight out if I were a butch dyke. I will be completely honest and say words like that made me cringe. I thought about just going out and getting a boyfriend when I heard words like that. My friend Yo, who appears later on in this story, worked with me on this issue. She gave me assignments, like while driving in the car, repeat " I am a lesbian" over and over until I could do it without hesitation. hehe If it were not for her, I would not be fit to be a part of the gay community. I would have been kicked to the curb right out of the gate.

The other message was from Tracey. A smile comes to my lips when I think about her. Tracey is an incredibly bad person to come upon when you want to explore your sexuality without ever testing the waters. She is someone you can't say no to, and I didn't....thankfully.

Meanwhile, J and I were emailing daily also. I do not know what it was about her that made me connect so quickly. I look back at this time and time again, and the only thing I can come up with was her elusiveness from start to finish. I could never really pin down what she was all about and it made me crazy. For the first three weeks being gay never came up. Maybe I found it refreshing. Maybe I just wanted a new friend out there in the world that didn't know my past and could see me in a different light. All I know is that something about this person made me want to know more.

I do not know how I dealt with all of these people at once and on so many emotional levels. If I had to do it now I don't think I could.


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