Thursday, June 30, 2005


About a month into chatting with people through the personal ad, I knew I was getting close to actually meeting someone in person. The conversations I had with people mostly dealt with "the issues of being gay." However, you can only stand behind a reason for chatting with someone for so long. After a point, you either take it further, or end it.

Kate was pretty much tired of talking issues and really wanted to meet. I remember it being close to Thanksgiving and that she would have liked to get together over my vacation. We lived about three hours from each other and so I wasn't too worried about it actually happening at that time. The weather here is horrible and so I thought I had excuses.
I was a little afraid of the face to face meeting. I wasn't really sure of the expectations. I emailed her and was straightforward about the whole fear thing. She mistook my fear for awkwardness over a comment she had made in jest about sex. She was adamant at that point that we talk by phone because you never can really read a person by written messages. I learned that I am funny sarcastic in person, but basically sarcastic in writing.
So, she gave me her phone number and I called her right before I left for Thanksgiving vacation. She was extremely apologetic for pushing things along. I told her it was fine and that it was time that we spoke by phone. We talked a long time and I could feel myself letting my guard down. That was a total mistake. I got too personal in that phone call and in any that we had over the next few weeks. I finally had someone who would listen to me and understand what I had been going through and I just let go a little bit to much. She had no problem coming to the rescue, and little did I realize what she was feeling at the time.
Now, we had never seen one another, not even a picture, so to be feeling anything at that point was senseless. I know from reading about other couple's stories that people fall in love through message boards and email, but at that time I wasn't aware. I was happy to have someone to talk to, but I now realize that it was a classic case of rescuer falling for "rescuee." I thought she would make a great friend and was wishing she lived closer so when we actually did meet I would have someone to hang with. At this point, not even my best friend knew about anything and so this was really great to me.
Two weeks after our first phone conversation I gave in and set up a time for the next weekend to meet.
I told her we could meet for lunch and that I would be willing to drive up by her because she had to work a lot that weekend. finally, it was all set up and I felt ready.

Meanwhile, J and I were slowly getting to know one another by basically emailing updates about our day. At first we would email at night, but it picked up to where we were emailing a couple of times during the day also. It was so strange because being gay never came up and she would talk about her ex boyfriend constantly. I was not aware at the time, but I was about to be the rescuer in this instant. Pay back is a bitch, or so they say.

The initial messages from Tracey were all about our work and sports. She was a sports fanatic and was intrigued by the fact that I could keep up with her conversations. I have a friend who was a gym/athletic director and she always keeps me up to date with our state sports teams.
Tracey was all about having someone to go watch a sporting event with.
Our conversations seemed to have a purpose and so it was easy to talk with her. Since it was football season she wanted to get together and go see a game somewhere on T.V. I was so used to doing this with my athletic friend that I was totally comfortable in this situation. It wasn't about dating or anything. (yeah, right) I was waiting for her schedule to clear for a Sunday (she was a bartender on the weekends) and then we would get together.

Plans were being set into motion and although I was terribly nervous, I was excited also.


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