Monday, November 07, 2005

What I Have Been Left With

Sometimes I struggle while interacting with people because I have this constant hesitation factor that has been with me for awhile. I used to be proactive in certain instances, but that changed when I was told I had crossed a certain boundary that I didn't even imagine was there in the first place. I think I used to reach out more, give more freely, but I am not like that anymore. I need to know how to get that part back again.
When J and I became friends I never thought twice about stepping up to be the kind of friend a person needed at the time. After that friendship was split apart, I lost that part of me. I always have to second guess what I am doing and just find it easier to detach. This is like a consequence that never ends.
What happened between us was not that earth shattering, but I never can really settle it down in my head. I failed a friend, it was a trust issue that I let her down on because I had reached the limit of what I could handle as just a friend. Now, because of some stupid moment in time that is not even worth the time to write about, I am different, changed, less of who I was before. Who hasn't made a mistake with a friendship. I need to figure out how to let it go.


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