Saturday, July 02, 2005

Meeting Kate

What can I say about this first meeting that is not embarrassing. Nothing!
I was extremely nervous. I wasn't sure I should be attempting to meet someone like this. I specifically signed a contract with God himself (can you believe places of employment can make you do that kind of thing) that I would lead a moral life, so could this meeting possibly lead to ungodly behaviors? Was I at this very moment breaking my contract with God?
I look back at this now and realize the amount of control they had on my thinking. I will never, ever sign anything so ridiculous for anyone else as long as I walk this earth.

I had butterflies in my stomach while driving the two hours to our meeting place. I actually had a talk with God in which I asked him to please let me explore this issue. I told him how lonely and unhappy I was, that I didn't think I could go on my whole life like this. I went on about how I had tried to date men and it wasn't working. I told him that I was going to do this, that I might have to leave him for awhile, and that he shouldn't leave me. I asked for forgiveness, then I let go. I gave myself permission to let go.
(nobody should ever have to feel like this)

We had picked the airport of a city an hour away from her house because I didn't want to venture on to any country roads and end up totally lost. I arrived ten minutes early, so I prepared myself to be talkative, not timid and shy.

Around five minutes later, a tall woman with long black hair wearing a blue ski jacket approached and called me by my name. I smiled and returned her hug, as we talked about the drive and how good it was to finally meet. She decided we should get a drink in the airport and relax a bit before deciding where to go.

Soon I was sitting in front of the person I had poured my heart out to, mentally making a note that I would not do that again. It was overwhelming to sit there, I was not comfortable with the fact that I had talked about myself so much.
Kate was talking about skiing and how fun it would be to teach me. I was thinking about when the meeting was going to end. I was trying to add to the conversation, but it was difficult to say the least. Luckily, she was rather talkative and I could sit back a bit, but I knew I wan't holding up my end of the conversation.

At one point, she asked if I were ok, and I knew I had to step it up. I started asking questions about skiing, work, the weather, anything to fend off the approaching conversation that I had a feeling might be coming. She was intense, like we had known each other longer than a couple of months. She was into what we would, or could do, and how and why, on and on and ahhhhhh!!!
(I was so pathetic at this point, thankfully this is the only time I acted this way.)

Kate decided we should go grab some lunch, she would drive since she knew her way around the city. In the car she asked if I wanted to drive up to her house after lunch. I told her that maybe another time would be better. She looked at me, smiled, and touched my hand just slightly. I smiled back, secretly wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. Whatever feelings she had before she met me quite obviously had been heightened by my appearance. I was used to that look from guys, but not from other women. I told her in our many conversations I wasn't sure about being gay. I really wanted to bring that up, but it just seemed like she was past all of that and wanted to move right along. Instead of being honest, I was quietly dreading what was happening and that wasn't fair to her. She had been so easy to talk to by phone, why couldn't I convey anything to her in person.

Lunch was difficult because I now had to eat and talk in front of someone that was making me so nervous I could barely breath calmly. I should have told her about my hope in our friendship instead of letting her go on and on about something that was never going to take place. Quite honestly, I felt no attraction to her at all. Nothing.

This of course led to the car ride back to my car. I tried to be easy going about the end of our meeting by talking about friendship, but she didn't seem to pick up my hint. Finally she took out the pack of gum and offered me a piece. I was about to accept, but then it hit me that this just might not be about chewing some gum, but perhaps it was about having fresh breath. Yikes! I literally grabbed onto the door like when you think you are about to hit something in front of you. I was not in any way ready to kiss anyone at this point. I tried to remain calm when the car stopped, but I know I was leaning into the door. I am not sure how much Kate picked up, but when she looked at me I think it dawned on her to back off. There wasn't any expression on her face. It was like she was trying to decide what the hell I was doing. We said goodbye, and that was the last time we ever got together. I wrote a long explanation trying to explain where it was I was coming from and my need for friendship, not a relationship, but she was way past that. She was looking for something different, I couldn't give it to her. I think continuing contact with me would ultimately stop her from meeting other people and that wouldn't be fair at this point. We emailed every so often and then it just ended.

When I told my friend Yo about this story she was laughing hysterically, but I do believe it is because I told her the story that she never kissed me on our first time out. I think even telling the story freaked people out about me.

Thankfully, the next person I met was Tracey. I didn't pour my heart out, or become emotionally attached before meeting and it made all the difference in the world. My qualms about being touched by another woman were about to disolve. I was about to be sure that the gates of hell had my name written upon them, but I wasn't going to be questioning my sexuality anymore.


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