Sunday, September 05, 2004

This blog started a couple years ago after I started a private journal online to help cope with the loss of a friend after I did something really stupid. I never discussed it openly on the blog except for here and there because I was afraid it would be breaking the last promise I made to my friend.
I came to understand why I could not keep the friendship and how it was all for the best. This understanding came after several months of begging and pleading for a second chance and when that didn't work, the second phase of letting go of the friendship and writing about the whole matter.
When I look at those private writings now, I see a hysterical person who was lacking any kind of control in their life. A depressed and desperate person who was finally figuring out the whole problem in their life, but proceeding in the wrong direction.
I hurt someone with my actions and it would be something I would have to live with forever. I was never forgiven. That fact was intolerable for the longest time and still continues to haunt me. Forgiveness is a big thing for me. I thought I was owed forgiveness, but it did not occur.
These were the very last words from my friend. "i just want to move on with my life and i want you to move on with yours. i am trying to become a better person, a stronger person, you should do the same."
Why am I still lingering? I often wonder if I have become a better person. Given that whole situation now, would I take the same actions?
I mean given in a different way. I would love to write that person and say,
"Hey, I've changed and I am a whole new, improved person. You can forgive me now."
It just makes me sad whenever I think about the whole situation. This person was my first friend that knew the true me and I ruined it.
How does a person forgive themself when they have never been forgiven by the person they betrayed. I don't have the answer. I probably never will.
Discussing it with G and Yo has helped. Yo because she knew me on the very same level as my friend. She kind of forgave me in place of the person I had betrayed. Yo is great with her line, "get over yourself."
I don't know why I told G. G didn't react strongly either. In fact as we went through what happened I realized that my friend wasn't honest with me in the first place and we both were headed in the same direction in our life, but neither of us were strong enough to help each other, in fact we were vulnerable to be incredibly hurt and eventually were.
There are certain song lyrics that bring back memories and then I get like this.

How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

Alanis Lyrics

Music is powerful and can take you back in time like nothing else.


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