Friday, October 14, 2005

Nobody Wins

I was the topic at lunch today. I can just see them hunched over the table chirping like distressed little birds who have fallen out of their nest, oblivious to the students creating their own chaos around the lunchroom.
They want me back and are thinking about going in to complain about my absence. It won't happen, but it is funny to think about this all occurring today. My friends came up and asked if I would consider coming back if asked. Of course I wouldn't, unless a certain policy changed and we all know that won't happened.
They didn't believe me. They think I would cave and come back if offered my benefits. I bet a dinner out that I wouldn't. Of course this is with the same person I made a bet with that whoever gets married first has to pay the other person $1000. We made that bet a couple years ago and as far as I know she isn't even dating. Unless gay marriage becomes legal she will never win.
I am to the point where I think I could tell her about what is going on with me. We were very close friends a few years back. Her son died and then her husband soon after and we bonded after all the trauma I helped her through. We were inseparable at work and on weekends.

After entering a relationship it became difficult to continue our friendship at such a level. G is very specific about what is fair and unfair when discussing our relationship with others. I had to let go of our friendship. I know she does not understand what happened. I didn't just ignore her, but over time I became a little less available.
I know it isn't right, but I think I am almost to the point of telling her why I distanced myself. There is also the concern that she didn't know in case people found out at work. It would have been bad. It still could be. I admit though that fear holds me back. I can't do this kind of thing face to face. What will be her immediate thought. That is what I think about and what scares me.
Until I get over it, we will continue with these ridiculous bets that we can't win.
I hope one day we can laugh about it.


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