Wednesday, October 05, 2005

On Being a Shadow

There has been some negative news for gay people the past few weeks. I read but I probably shouldn't. It is hard for me to be positive about myself when there is such negativity all around.

I need some gay friends. Gretch has a bunch of friends, but they are basically mine by default. I am not really sure why I don't have more friends from all the people I met a few years back. Well, I guess because most of those people wanted something more. Others were very different from me, or couldn't tolerate my background. I really miss my friendship with Yo. It is not the same when someone is so far away. I miss J also. Not the intense emotional stuff that got way out of hand, but the part where we could talk about how alone we felt in the world. Maybe that wasn't a good thing. We were both really stuck and in the same place.

I still do feel very alone. I have a partner, but she is so past all of this. We picked up a sheet on a house that is for sale and she asked me to call and make an appointment. I can't do it and it just sucks.

I am subjected to a lot of comments. I think it is only because I am not out and people would not say those things if they knew about me. There is this woman at the kid's school who has made two negative comments. I am not really sure how she even gets started, but she manages to toss in things. I hate that woman.

G and I should probably reach out a llittle bit more to the community, but that just isn't me in the first place. I can barely handle one on one relationships.
I think I am a lost cause and will eventually just give up and suffer silently.

The thing I remember most about the night out with the guys is that they knew about me and nobody thought twice about it. We all felt a sense of belonging. I think I should feel like that more often.

I have to figure it out.


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