Friday, July 08, 2005

Yes I am!

The night. Two months from the beginning of the personal ad. I don't know how that might appear, but I guess it doesn't really matter. I wanted to know and I figured it out. It is not like I became someone who went crazy and started sleeping with people. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Nobody after Tracey was good enough....and there was only one person I wanted anyway and couldn't have.... until I met Gretch...a year later. This next year was all about being two very different people. I am surprised I even survived without having a multiple personality disorder. I was so good at lying and denying, but I am getting ahead of myself here.
The night, right before Christmas, Tracey's family and friends were gone, and I had fallen asleep on the couch. That amazes me, as I would think I would be to nervous to sleep.
As I was sleeping, I realized that Tracey was rubbing my shoulders. I sat up and apologized for falling asleep. She asked if I wanted to go into her bedroom and sleep. I told her that we should talk for awhile about the evening and I asked how she thought things went. At some point she asked if I was afraid of being there and I shook my head. She took my hand which was in my lap and held it in hers. I know I smiled and told her I had a great time, that she had wonderful parents.

" I could tell right away that my mom like you. She wouldn't have had such a long conversation with you if she didn't."

"That's what I do, impress the parents."

"You are definitely someone to bring home to meet my parents. They like people who have an education."

"What about your friends, I don't think Lena was to impressed."

"Oh, don't mind her, she is very protective of Ali. She doesn't want anyone to take her place." (red flag)

"Speaking of Ali, I'm not really comfortable with her leaving."

"You said you weren't comfortable with her staying."

"Yeah, I don't know, I guess I am not sure how to handle this."

"For tonight we have everything taken care of."

"I guess we do."

Tracey looked right into my eyes at this point, leaned in and kissed me. It was startling, yet amazing and I realized right away that it was exactly what I wanted. As sudden as it seemed, it was not forceful. It was sweet and tender and all the mushy words that have ever been written about a first kiss.
She whispered that I could tell her to stop at any time. I told her I was fine.
It all seemed to be happening in slow motion, but the night flew by quickly. We must have been on the couch and hour, just kissing and giggling and whispering silly comments that are always a part of a new beginning. There was no other place in the world I wanted to be at that moment. All my problems and hesitations were gone, if only for the night.
After awhile, Tracey took my hand and had me follow her into the bedroom. We went under the covers fully clothed, it was freezing in the room. I rememeber her making some comments about not remembering the trick of turning up the heat for quicker clothing removal, and I covered her mouth with my hand and feigned a look of horror. She immediately rolled out from underneath me and pinned me down on the bed.
In that moment everything stood still. I was looking up at her white t-shirt, and I remember her uncles army tag had popped out from underneath. My heart was beating a million times a minute and I gave one last smile as she came down and kissed me.

"Tell me if I should stop. Tell me if I should stop now cause after this there won't be any turning back. "

"Don't stop just go ahead."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fine, really, I'm fine."

The softness, the scent, the gentleness. The slow, deliberate moves that are selfless. The emotions.. tears, and laughter. There wasn't anything about being with a woman that I didn't enjoy. Endless hours of passionate discovery finally gave me the answer I needed.

I am so gay.


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