Monday, May 16, 2005


G and I went to dinner tonight because we didn't get any time this weekend and when we go out we always come up with ideas and plans for the future, immediate, or otherwise. Anyway, it started getting a little tense when we talked about this next weekend and some plans to attend a function at a friend's house. After deciding we should not attend things that we really are not in the mood for, we started talking about jobs and income. That was probably not a wise choice. Usually I can see when a topic isn't going very well and I pull out, but tonight it went a bit further and it started to center on G's stress about being the breadwinner and not having choices. Choices such as quitting and taking a class, or changing directions in life. I said it felt like this was a change from the support about my plans for the next year. G apologized and said it was work stress and we shouldn't talk about it anymore. Our plan for the year is set and we are sticking to it.
Now I feel guilty. I should just go find a real job. Then I feel this inside guilt that I can't talk about. It is this anger about really being married and having kids and being a stay at home mom because I would be great and how that isn't ever going to be an option. This leads to me thinking that life isn't fair and how terrible it is that I was set down on a path that I can't handle and I am faced with dealing with it. Just deal with it.
What if I am not wired to deal with it? Not everyone can manage to handle the things that are put before them. I always want to give up.
I can't this time. I am really in love and so I will continue on this path and have everything opposite of what I want to happen occur and I will somehow muddle through.

So this wasn't really any more cheerful than the post I deleted this morning.

I also keep thinking about close to 4 years ago when I began this journey. I was standing at the top of a hill in the subdivision looking at the houses and families surrounding me and how I was never going to be one of them and how I probably needed to connect with someone somehow because I was dying inside.
I thought I needed to find out if I could really be happy. I did something completely out of the ordinary and stepped into a whole different world. I didn't step lightly, I tossed myself in and didn't really care about the consequences. I just knew I couldn't be alone anymore. I was not really living. Now I have what I thought I wanted and I still kind of feel like I am up at the top of the subdivision looking down again.
How does one put it all together. Maybe you can't and at some point you just have to be happy with what you have. Being lonely is the worst thing I have faced and that is gone. I conquered the worst and I should be happy.


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