Saturday, January 29, 2005

We were in bed sleeping at 9:00 last night. I had actually fallen asleep on the couch at 8. I remember thinking around 7 that if we didn't eat dinner soon, I was going to skip it and just sleep. This morning at 5:30 I was wide awake and restless, worrying and uselessly wasting a Saturday morning when I could have been catching up with my sleep. I woke up G and explained my dilemma and we tried the cuddle method which did work. The next two hours were dream filled and I perhaps had way to much REM sleep.
I finished the book I had been reading about the doctor, and found myself relating to the part in which she felt that she wasn't able to experience life as her true self.
Obviously, are reasons are different, but the concept is the same. I am a different person depending on who I am speaking with. Work, home, family, it doesn't matter, it is only a piece of me and usually without emotion. (doesn't include most of my partner relationship)
Not only has this book made it more evident, but at work we had to take this damn test. Everyone knows about the Myers Briggs test. In the past we took it twice. Now, there is a religious one out there. Imagine that.
The point is I was given about twenty sets of words and I had to pick the words that most described me. Of course I had to answer in work mode.
I knew exactly what animal (you are grouped by animal, how creative) I would turn out to be. I am included in the work group that is most likely to "take it up the ass and not complain" It reminds me of the song the pre k teacher always sings... follow the leader, follow the leader. With the group I work with, it translates into...Drink the red Kool Aid, Drink the red Kool Aid. (aka the Jones clan) A teacher friend of mine actually gave me a bottled water and a pack of red Kool Aid. I laughed for an hour on that one. Labeled on the outside was "now is the time."
I am tired of labels, I am tired of being someone I am not, I am tired of not being able to put all of me together, and last but certainly not least, I am tired of stressing about something I did three years ago when I was trying to be myself, and then being labeled as unforgivable for it.
It's the test, it's the book etc....
Thank God it is Saturday and don't have to actually deal with anyone. We are going to foreign film and out for Thai afterward. I am looking forward to this day and that is what matters right now. Tomorrow I get to see the kids. They are so sick right now with bad colds. I really miss them these days. I was talking to them the other day about what we will do this summer. One will be in the minors of little league and one will be in tee ball so we will be doing a lot of baseball at the park. I am not sure what that will be like with a two year old running around. Hopefully nobody gets knocked in the head. Should be interesting. I can't wait, we are halfway there.


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