Monday, April 08, 2002

I was going through my private journal in my yahoo briefcase and came upon some stuff I wrote in November. God I was pathetic. It is a miracle I made it through. :You know how you are supposed to write a letter to someone even if you can't send it and it is supposed to make you feel better. It actually worked. I could have sent this, but it would have meant nothing to the person. I am better now, but not 100%. This is a fraction of the letter. Yeah, I still very much need to be forgiven, or two seconds of my life back, just two seconds. The time it takes to pick delete, or send.

Well , this is very easy to write this time cause I am totally sure you are never going
to read this. My purpose in writing this is as a therapy to myself because I don't know if
I am going to make it past this.
It has been a real rough year in terms of a lot of things, but the one thing I cannot
live with is the fact that I did something to you that caused you fear and the loss of your
best friend. I have always been a person that could be trusted with things and I completely
blew that trust, and because I have always respected your opinion I have to go with the
fact that you can't forgive me. Why do I always respect your opinion, because I have
always though that you were comparitive when it came to how we grew up, (you filled me in
on your family way back) you never judged people in any way, and by the way you discribed
what you said and did in situations. Unlike myself, you have never given me reason to doubt
what you say, so I will respect your wishes. However, feeling ok about it is much
different and the reason why I am hung up on this. I always have this need to have
everything ok. The main reason I believe I slipped so badly. Anything I say is not an
excuse, it is just a reasoning, because I hate the fact that you still may be afraid of me
in anyway. I can't just say don't be, because it means nothing.

Sometimes I get frustrated with all of this and my defenses cause me to get angry and it
shows and could be taken wrong. I am so frustrated at my actions and not being able to
talk to you about this. I don't expect you to, but a big part of this is the fact that
we had this email barrier and it continues to just be a major pain in the ass. I know you
were not comfortable talking to me, and I would probably just sound full of self pity and
you hate that so it is useless anyway.
I do however, want to make you understand that I am not like this as a person, I slipped
and am very remorseful. I don't know how to explain as to why
you should care. Maybe there isn't a reason in the world. Maybe I should be
sitting here thanking God himself that you aren't calling the authorities and
leave it at that, but I have this feeling that you know , deep down somewhere you know
that I didn't mean to do these things to hurt you or in any way at all. Maybe that
is bold on my part, but that is the absolute truth.

I know why I did what I did, you won't like it, and it won't make it any better. It took a
lot to accept why I did what I did. This isn't something that will make you say oh yeah,
I understand now. In fact, it might make things worse. If it would, I must remember
I am doing this for myself so that when those moments come when I just can't handle this
I can look and see why I did this and not seem so desperate.
Most important to me even though I can't show it for fear of misundertanding, is the fact
that I care about you and what happens. I always have even though my actions do not show
it. This is what kills me the most. You think I wanted to make things bad between you
and . That just isn't true and there isn't a damn thing I can do, but to explain what
I was feeling during this time.I am because you won't read this, begging your forgiveness. I will be way out of line and
explain why I need this. If you do, you will be telling me that you believe I am sorry.
It wouldn't mean you are letting me off, and I wouldn't be asking to know anything ahout
you except that you are ok. If you and are still not speaking you have a long road
ahead of you and the very thought of me is probably repulsive. What I have done to you
makes me not sleep at night. I am depressed, I am having serious trouble moving on. I
cannot make myself go see someone again. It was tramatic just that once and I did it for
an explanation to give to you. I hate what I did, and I hate myself and those around
me know. They don't know why, but they just know.
I guess my final request is that when you are happy, whatever makes you feel better is
happening in your life, you consider just telling me you know I am sorry. Not till you
are that way, I can be like this for as ever long as I continue to make you suffer, but
when you are no longer under the influences of what I did, if you could just please let
me know. I am asking you to look way way past this, maybe you can find that I was trying
to help you at some point before July and give me an undeserved message. I truely am
suffering too and I am scared. I am holding on, but that is it.
I need a miracle, I don't know if I can live like this forever, I am not sure it is
worth it. I have a long battle with who I am and I can't even think about that because
I can't get past this. I won't forgive myself until you forgive me. I don't care how long
all I have is time.


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